I remember.

Its been a while since I visited. I truly am sorry about that. I have never forgotten. 15 years is a long time, longer than the 13 and a half I had with you.

Its impossible to say what would have been different if we had all stayed together, and if you didn't have to go. And its not important to know. 15 years later, we have all gotten married, and your granddaughters are beautiful. In our own way, we have each grown up to be our own persons.

We're all trying our best to take care of Dad. Auntie and her family have helped us a lot all this while, and continue to do so. We'll try to take care of them too.

Things have changed with me since then. I feel a bit more comfortable being myself now. And I do regret that not everyone can agree with my actions and decisions. I feel alright now with who I am.

I love you, and I always have. We always have. We miss you very much. We always will.

I will always remember you, Ibu. God bless, and peace be with you.

Managing expectations

I am somewhat resigned that things are the way they are, and not what I might want them to be.

Please don't read the above statement negatively. What I wish to affirm is that rather than being bogged down by feelings of unfulfilment and discontent, not to mention sulking over how things are not how I would like them to be, I would rather move on and do what I can with what time I have.

As a practical next step, I will consider what I want to do and what I want to achieve within short spurts of time.

Staring into the pensieve

I turned 28 this year. Thats not very old, nor is it particularly young.

When I look back at my life thus far, I find a lot of memorable occasions. Some good, some bad, but memorable nonetheless. They enriched my life.

I realise that with this blog, I have tried to keep things contemporary, and avoid too much backward gazing. Don't look back in anger, as the Gallaghers would say.

So as mentioned in the last post long ago, something is coming. I have decided to start a second blog focussed completely on my recollections of my past. Hence the Harry Potter reference.

Sorry to disappoint those who were expecting something more exciting. This is as good as it gets. I had considered writing a fiction story inspired by one of kitty's friends, but decided against it as I did not feel ready. Perhaps sometime in the future.

There is another reason why I have decided to start this other blog. I have long kept a second blog which only myself and a couple of others know about. It is where I let out all of my negative feelings, my anger, hatred, and all those things I do not want to publicise.

But I never made peace with myself in those moments. Hence I have decided to discard those black moments, and replace them with an honest introspective. Well as honest as I possibly can at least.

I will mention people - friends and relatives and so on and so forth. They are the primary reason why I can look back at so much. I hope not to embarrass anyone. And if you take umbrage at the content, let me know and I will take the offending post down without any hard feelings.

Now lets see if I can get started without too much of a time lag from this post.

Something is coming

I'm still in the preparation stages. I have yet to decide what will take place and how. But I do know that it will be the essence of my selfishness - i.e., its all about me. Of course, this being a public domain, you are entitled to have your own free views. But know from the start that this is my personal indulgence.

Cryptic? All will be clear soon...

Legacy

It is my belief currently that most individuals, at some point in their respective lives, become concerned with what kind of legacy they leave behind. Its not something that is restricted to only celebrities, politicians and leaders.

There is this Thai commercial, which is somewhat popular. Thanks to youtube, said commercial is available to all who are in countries with no youtube censorship (as of writing). Its even been subtitled in English. A doctor narrates how a woman had asked him to deliver her baby early, even though it was risky. Two hours after the operation, the woman picks up the baby and runs off. We later find out that the woman's husband is dying of a brain tumour and is in his last moments in a coma. The woman has left to be at her husband's side with their child, giving the husband that one chance to hold his child, or rather, have his child squeeze his finger with its little hand (it because I cannot remember the gender of the baby) before the husband flatlines and passes away.

The doctor, while narrating, notes that many people ask "why we are born?", and muses that perhaps the right question should be "for what/whom (?) do we live?"

In the final moments of the commercial, a video of the dying husband asking his child to love the mother much and telling the child that the father loves him very much as well.

[Note that my understanding of this commercial is subject to the translation I saw. ]

It made me think about that concept of legacy. Since we can't take it all with us into death, what then do we leave behind in life? And the value of what we leave behind, is it based on our own thoughts, or that of others? I suppose we would have different interpretations.

I don't know what my views on this are. I do know that I myself have come to think about whether I have left any indelible marks on this world (and I don't mean the silver Zs I left behind at the old LT1 in RJC - I doubt those remain).

I also wonder...

... how long I will ponder this before moving on?

long hard road

i like running, and i enjoyed the treadmill today. i believe today was the longest time i spent on a treadmill. i usually prefer road.

four years have passed now since the bond began. i still don't know where i am and where i am going.

what i do know is what i have done before. and there are many lessons there i need to recall and constantly remind myself of. beyond work, there is also the matter of my own life. it is our joint struggle then in wanting to know what lies after. we all want our answers.

i don't want to become a statistic. i want to be me.

Crush

While ironing my shirts today, I watched the DVD of Bon Jovi's Crush tour. Its about 8-9 years old or so now. Got it courtesy of kitty's trip to Singapore for work recently.

Crush was the last Bon Jovi CD I bought. It wasn't the first - that honour goes to These Days and if I correctly recall, Crossroads, bought together.

I had a chance to watch the Crush tour at Milton Keynes in June 2001, but skipped out cos I was on internship in London, and I wasn't smart enough to figure I could make the concert over the weekend and come back to London on the same night.

The DVD was awesome. A good mix of old and new songs. Whilst I would have liked some other songs to have been played, on the whole, the set was inpressive. When you have so many good songs, it can be tough to make selections. Furthermore, my taste in Bon Jovi might not be shared by many others.

The last Bon Jovi cd I bought was Bounce, the next album after Crush. Did not purchase This Left Feels Right or Lost Highway. Perhaps I shall think about it a bit more. Its been a while since I bought a cd, in fact, over a year now. The last ones were bought for the wedding.

Bon Jovi was about 37 during the Crush tour. 8-9 years on and him and the band are still going strong. Its a reminder that life is a marathon, and not a sprint.

Here's to a good remainder of the run.